Big Butt Road Trip [Direct]

The trip started at 6:00 AM. I had a grande cold brew, a full tank of gas, and a false sense of spinal integrity.

By hour two, I learned the first rule of the Big Butt Road Trip: Your glutes are not designed for this.

We hit the first scenic byway—The Burr Trail in Utah. The sign said "Winding Road Next 33 Miles." What the sign didn't say was "Winding Road that will actively rearrange your internal organs."

Every switchback felt like a physical negotiation with gravity. My passenger seat became a boxing ring where my left cheek fought my right cheek for dominance. big butt road trip

But then we stopped. We got out at the overlook of the Waterpocket Fold. And I realized why they call it a "Fold." It looks like the earth bent over to tie its shoe and forgot to stand up straight again. The striations in the rock looked like denim wrinkles. It was majestic.

Lunch: A gas station hot dog that I ate standing up, because sitting was no longer an option.

You cannot drive the same way a skinny person drives. Your body mechanics are different. Here is the Curvy Driver's Manual. The trip started at 6:00 AM

Skip the memory foam. Memory foam compresses under static weight (your 200+ pounds of glute) and turns into a hard pancake after 45 minutes. You need an open-cell, honeycomb gel cushion (often marketed for wheelchair users). These provide active airflow and do not bottom out.

Let's be real: A road trip involves snacks. But for the big-butt traveler, digestion while seated is a nightmare due to compressed intestines.

Location: Somewhere between Utah’s Mighty 5 and the Colorado border Mileage: 427 miles Fuel Economy: Terrible (literally, we ate a lot of gas station burritos) We hit the first scenic byway—The Burr Trail in Utah

Let me start by clarifying the name. No, this isn’t a post about how I spent a week sitting in a passenger seat regretting that third slice of deep-dish pizza. Well, actually... it is.

I recently completed what my friends and I affectionately (and accurately) call The Big Butt Road Trip.

Why "Big Butt"? Because for three days, the landscape didn’t just have a backside—it had a booty. We drove the forgotten highways that trace the backsides of national parks. We skipped the crowded viewpoints where tourists take the same photo. We drove around back to see what the mountains were hiding behind their "good side."

Here is the itinerary of pain, gain, and panoramic rumps.