According to relationship therapist Jan Best, author of the forthcoming The Human Affair, cheating is rarely about sex alone.
“Affairs are almost always symptoms, not diseases,” Best explains. “When we say ‘an affair is human,’ we mean that human beings have complex emotional landscapes. We seek connection, validation, and escape — sometimes in destructive ways.”
Best’s research suggests that nearly 40% of married individuals will experience an affair at some point, yet fewer than 10% of those relationships end in divorce immediately. Why? Because many couples choose to see the affair not as an ending, but as a turning point. real wife stories savannah stern to affair is human jan best
The Wife: Marianne, 44, married 19 years. The Discovery: She noticed her husband typing with his phone turned away. The Affair: A six-month emotional affair with a coworker. The Twist: Marianne did not leave. She did not scream. She started therapy and began a secret savings account. Her quote: “People think staying means you’re weak. I think leaving would have been the easy tantrum. Staying and recalculating? That’s war.”
Not everyone is a fan of the “real wife stories” movement. Conservative commentators argue that works like "To Affair is Human" normalize betrayal. They claim that Savannah Stern gives a microphone to selfish women who should be fighting for their marriages, not documenting their discontents. According to relationship therapist Jan Best, author of
Stern’s response (from a January interview with The Ringer):
“I don’t glorify affairs. I glorify honesty. Most wives suffer in silence because they think their pain is unique. It’s not. The moment you see another woman has survived the same crack in the foundation, you have two choices: repair it or demolish it. But you can’t pretend the crack isn’t there. That’s what my stories do—they point at the crack.” We seek connection, validation, and escape — sometimes
Similarly, the authors of "To Affair is Human" include a trigger warning and a resource guide for couples counseling. The book is not an instruction manual for cheating; it is a map of the wreckage.